Coping with Crying

Parenting Resources and Community Outreach

Parents know their newborns will cry, but many are surprised by how much crying they hear. During the first three months of life, a healthy newborn’s fussy periods can add up to two or three hours a day.

Crying is one way your baby communicates. It’s his way of letting you know he needs you. Always respond promptly. Don’t worry about whether you are spoiling your baby by going to him every time he cries. You can’t spoil a baby at this early age (the first 3 months).

Check to see if your baby is crying because he is hungry, wet, hot, cold, tired, lonely, bored or in pain. Sometimes changing your baby’s position or diaper or just a little cuddling may be all he needs. Your comforting touch or the sound of your voice may make him more comfortable. Wrapping him snugly in a blanket (not too tightly) may help. But leave his hands free so he can get them to his mouth for sucking.

Some babies have long crying spells lasting several hours. When there is no medical problem, this type of crying is often called “colic.” If your baby is fussy and cannot be consoled, discuss the problem with her pediatrician. Although colic is very upsetting to parents, it is not dangerous for the child. Babies with colic grow normally and are usually in good health. If there are no medical reasons for her crying, your baby will get through this period by about 12 weeks of age.

Since heavy crying often takes place in the evening when parents are tired and their coping skills may have worn thin, it’s important to have a plan to deal with the situation. Plan how you are going to console your baby and how you are going to help yourself get through the situation as well.

These tips can help you cope.

• Try not to take your baby’s tears personally. Crying is a natural instinct for babies. In fact, it’s one way babies communicate! (e.g., hunger, fear, pain, a need for closeness.)
• Don’t worry that you’ll spoil your baby if you comfort her every time she cries. Your comfort offers reassurance and helps her develop the ability to trust.
• To comfort a crying baby, first see if she is wet, hungry or just needs a blanket. If that doesn’t work, try holding her close to you, rocking, walking or singing softly to her. If she’s still fussing, try putting her down in her crib and patting her back or rubbing her cheek. If she begins to settle down within a few minutes, she may simply be telling you it’s nap time.
• Hold your baby close to your body and walk or rock him while talking or singing softly.
• While sitting, lay your baby face down across your knees, gently patting his back.
• Try a wind-up bed or swing to rock your baby to sleep.
• Play soft music or turn on the dryer or vacuum cleaner.
• Take your baby for a stroller ride or car ride.

If none of these tips work, lay your baby down gently in his crib and walk away for a few minutes to see if he’ll calm down on his own.

For infants 3 months and under, try using Dr. Harvey Karp’s 5S system that initiates and maximizes the infant’s own built-in calming reflex:

• Swaddle your baby snugly in a big, thin blanket (42 inches square) during fussy times and to help the baby sleep. Snug swaddling provides continuous touching and supports the infant’s sense of security.
• Side/stomach hold. Place your baby on the left side to assist in digestion or on the stomach to provide reassuring support. Never leave your newborn alone on the side or stomach. Infants should always be placed on their backs to sleep.
• Shushing sounds imitate the continual whooshing sound made by the blood flowing through arteries near the womb and provide the baby comfort. Try a strong five-second “shush” close to the baby’s ear, and once the fussiness lessens, lower the intensity.
• Swinging. Newborns are used to the swinging motions within their mother’s womb. Fussy babies calm fastest with quick, tiny movements like a rocking motion an inch or so back and forth. Support the baby’s neck and head. Rocking, car rides, and other swinging or swaying movements all can help. Never shake a baby!
• Sucking has effects deep within the nervous system, triggers the calming reflex, and releases natural calming chemicals within the brain. Allow your baby to breast feed or suck on your finger. Avoid pacifiers until your baby is nursing really well.

Take care of yourself, as well:

• Realize that being with a newborn is very stressful. Get as much rest as you can when your baby naps. Allow a trusted friend or family member to babysit while you recharge your batteries. Baby yourself a little, too!
• If you ever feel so frustrated that you fear you might hit or shake your baby, put the baby down in the crib and walk into another room. It’s OK to let a baby cry for a few minutes while you pull yourself together.
• Ask your pediatrician about a parent support group.